Recently we ‘celebrated’ my first son James’ seventh birthday. It’s been a little more than twenty three months since a drowning accident took him to live in heaven. There’s so much anxiety leading up to special occasions that are markedly missing your departed loved one but none such like their birthday. It’s the day reserved to celebrate the day that precious being took its first breath and began life outside the womb; The beginning of something wonderful. When that spark of life is extinguished before it ever really began it leaves a certain kind void, unlike any other. We took balloons to James’ grave and told him how much we loved and missed him. The day went much like any other and I even noted to myself how well I was taking each emotion in stride and letting it go again and not letting sadness over come me; Until I woke up the next morning.
It seems that sometimes the day after these milestone markers can have a bigger toll on us than the actual event. I may have thought I was processing and letting go those rough emotions but instead I was just hiding them behind activities, conversations and general business! The day after his birthday seemed to be full of unexpected emotions that I was sure I would not have to encounter, seeing as how the bid day had passed and all. No, instead they seemed to be a little bigger, a little stronger and brought a few friends along for the ride! Needless to say, not much got accomplished that day! I ate ice cream with the kids and watched silly movies with them, when I could pull myself from hiding to cry in the washroom. My husband came in and barely spoke to me before I burst in to tears again! He hugged me, loved me and comforted me until finally I felt some relief; like I had finally cried away every bit of sadness, guilt, misery and loneliness that had tried to come on me. It was so refreshing and such a relief! Then I remembered how Our Father must’ve felt watching His son die on the cross and how His word says He collects all our tears. One day He will make right all the wrongs in our lives; we will be whole and complete and there will be no more tears for all eternity!