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Archive for July, 2011

July 28, 2009

What Satan means for evil God turns to Good!

Today marks another major event in the nightmare that we lived the entire month of July 2009. We spent July 4 – July 7, 2009 at the PICU at University of Mississippi Medical Center after James’ drowning accident. Those few days felt like months.  On July 11 our families’ gathered to lay sweet James to rest, say our goodbye’s and begin to learn how to move forward.  James’ oldest sister turned 9 without him that year on July 20 and in the wee hours of that morning my grandfather passed away after many years of battling illness.  It’s just like Satan to ‘hit you while your down’ and on July 28, 2009 he tried to do just that. He saw already that his plan to destroy us by taking our five year old son wasn’t going to diminish our faith in Daddy God. This time God gave me a dream.

In the dream I answered a knock at the front door to find two police officers.  I don’t remember what they were saying but they pointed ‘down the road’ from our house. Suddenly it was as if I was a bird and I sort of flew to where they were pointing. About a mile down our country road there is an intersection between some fields. At that time where was heavy construction taking place and semi trucks were constantly traveling back and forth. All I could see was one of these trucks as if it had been pulling out from the dirt road of this field and I assume it collided with my husband’s work truck. What I saw was my husband lying on the pavement, no medical personnel around him, only police officers. I assume he was dead because he laid there so still and I began to scream, “God I can’t do this! I can’t lose this much! Please don’t do this to me!”  I’m not sure entirely what my words were but these were the gist. That’s when I woke up. The air in my lungs seemed to have turned to stone even after I was awake. I couldn’t stop crying. I have nightmares all the time and this was nothing like a regular nightmare. If you’ve ever had a spiritual dream you understand how the lines between dream and reality have lost their definition even hours after waking.  It had to be three in the morning but there was no way I could sleep. I paced the house and I prayed for God’s protection and peace. I took authority over Satan, death and every weapon that he may attempt to throw at me and reminded him that we are Children of God and his tricks had no place in our lives. Within an hour, maybe less, I felt complete peace and I was able to go back to sleep.  To me, the ability to have peace and go back to sleep is evidence of God’s mighty work at play in our lives.  

When I woke up I had forgotten entirely about the dream. I sent my husband off to work like any other day and never thought twice about it. Oddly, he called mid morning to say that he was done working for the day and would be coming home. After he got here we decided to run some errands and take advantage of his free time. Later that afternoon we were traveling down the highway and we were nowhere near an intersection but a driver in the other lanes suddenly decided to make a left turn. He never merged into the turn lane, put on his turn signal or gave any indication he expected to turn – he was simply driving straight and then suddenly in front of us.  Later he would never give an explanation of why he suddenly decided to turn in front of us. I was 15 weeks pregnant and our three other children were with us as well. Our oldest child was wearing her shoulder belt improperly so she hit the seat in front of her that had a plastic handle on it – it shattered her nose. We all went to the emergency room and praise God alone, no one else was injured. It was on that day during the ultrasound exam to be sure the baby I was carrying was fine that the sweet ultra sound tech told me indeed we were having a boy! We had all girls except for James and we had prayed on Mother’s day, the day I found out I was pregnant again, for a brother for James.  It was an amazing moment for me to learn I would, indeed, have the brother James had prayed for; the brother he professed he would play with every night at bed time; the brother he prophesied the Angel of God had told him would be named John.  

It may be hard to believe but I never thought about that dream until several days or even a week after the accident.  When I did remember it, it sent chills down my spine. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Satan meant for much more to take place – not just that day but when he took James as well. It gives me great pleasure to dwell in the secret place of the most high, abide in the shadow of the Almighty and to dance in the victory my Daddy God already accomplished for us! It’s only because Daddy God is a wonderful God and because he LOVES me, my husband and my children that we can hold our heads high and walk in victory!

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With everything in me, I wish I had asked more questions. I didn’t though, so this is all I have to go on. One of the most incredible moments of my life happened with my five year old son just a few days before the drowning accident that claimed his precious, short life. Without a doubt, it was a tangible, God moment that left me so stunned I couldn’t speak to ask the three million questions that ran through my mind a few minutes after I left James’ bedroom.

On Mother’s Day 2009 I took a home pregnancy test and discovered I was expecting our fifth child, just nine months after our fourth child was born.  I wasn’t exactly thrilled at first simply because I was still up all night with that nursing nine month old and didn’t feel I was physically able to deliver another child. However, ‘it is what it is’ has always been my philosophy and I was going to do my best to power through and trust God. We prayed with James and all his sisters that this baby would be a boy and James would finally have the brother I knew he wanted so badly! Every night from Mother’s Day until the last night I tucked him in to bed he told me, “Don’t forget, that’s my brother in your tummy and he’s gonna come play with me.”  I would kiss him, nuzzle his nose with mine, tussle his hair and nod in agreement.  One night though, just a few days before the worst day of my life, James said a little bit more, just this once and never again, “Don’t forget, that’s my brother in your tummy and he’s gonna come play with me and his name’s gonna be John!”  I was very surprised! John was a fine name but not one we have ever considered or discussed and I couldn’t figure out where James had heard this name to even guess such a thing! So, I asked him, “Who told you that?” He answered simply, “A angel.” I felt the air turn to ice in my lungs as my whole chest seemed to freeze instantly. I was nervous about feeding him information so I asked, “Who’s Angel?” just in case he had made a new friend of whom I was unaware. James didn’t say much. He was a boy of very few words and always had been so for him to speak anything was a rare treat indeed. Finally, he gave me my answer, “You know …. GOD!” I backed out of the room and I never asked James any questions about the Angel.

Well, that’s all it took for the ice in my chest to hit my blood stream and circulate my entire body in that moment. I don’t know why. I have always been a Christian. I’ve always believed in God and Angels and even that people have encounters with them. Just a couple hours before our family walked next door to the home of my parents-in-law James came running from his room where he had been playing quietly. He had his “My first Bible” he received for Easter that very year and was looking at it. He had it open to the first page but, mind you, he couldn’t read yet.  It was the very beginning, Genesis; and there was a picture of the Earth in space with clouds, stars and a moon. James exclaimed excitedly, showing me the picture, “Mu-yer, Mu-yer (Mother), Look!” His tone turned more inquisitive and he asked me, “God made the Earth?”

I said, “He sure did!”

So he asked further, “And he made the moon and the stars?”

“He sure did Buddy! And guess what? He made YOU too!”

“HE DID?!” James asked with curious elation before running back to his room, I presume to read more. I praise God for these and so many other special moments with James. These two moments help me when the waves of grief come crashing down, seeking to drown me too.

I just can’t bring myself to enjoy this Independence Day holiday anymore. I’m glad my ancestors fought and died to liberate this wonderful country from England so many years ago and I’m still proud of them and grateful for their sacrifice. This used to be my favorite time of summer; My Christmas in July so to speak. Now it’s just the day that James gained his Independence from me.  I’ve been surprised by this under lying anger I feel at the rest of the world for enjoying the holiday but I’m consciously releasing it. I know I am supposed to be conscious of the blessings that come from every bad situation; every silver lining in the dark cloud.  I guess it just doesn’t happen often that something so obviously from God is hand delivered to us.  These moments, while shocking, are the very anchors that keep me grounded. I wonder what more I would’ve learned if only I had asked more questions. I wish with everything in me that I had.

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